The Cyber House Rules/Transcript
Credits. Caption: Please Rise For The Futurama Theme Song. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. On the TV, Morbo and Linda present an early morning breakfast programme called Good Morning Earth. They wear pyjamas and sit in a cosy sitting room set.]'' Morbo: So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids and they couldn't believe it -- they were delicious. But, I digress. turns to the camera. shouting Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all! :Fry and Bender eat while they watch. The doorbell rings and there is the sound of footsteps running away. Leela: Could one of you guys get that? :both shake their heads and she narrows her eye at them. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Entrance. Leela opens the door and looks around but there doesn't appear to be anyone there. She hears a squealing noise, looks down and gasps.]'' :['''Cut to': Outside Planet Express.]'' Leela: It's a doorbell baby! crouches down to the bundle of blankets in the basket. Fry and Bender appears behind her. Hello, little guy. You know, I was abandoned as a baby too, so-- Bender: Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it. :stamps on the basket. Leela: Bender, stop! It's a baby! Bender: stamping A baby what? kicks him in the head and he falls over. Ow! :bends down and unwraps the blankets. There is no baby inside. Instead, there is a green card with a sad-looking kid on it holding up an empty food dish. Written along the top of the card is "Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium". Leela: Oh, it's just a card. From the orphanarium I grew up in. :card speaks with a child's voice. Card: Leela, you're invited to a reunion at Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. voice changes to an adult woman's voice. Please stand clear of self-destructing basket. :basket explodes. Bender: A reunion at your old orphanarium, eh? You gonna go? Leela: No way, Jose-bot. I never wanna see those other orphans again! Not after the way they used to pick on me. :[''Flashback. In the kids' playground at the orphanarium (where everything is broken) the kids stand around young Leela, pointing and chanting.]'' Kids: chanting One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! Kirk: Nice depth-perception, one-eye! :laughs. Leela: How can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're blind! Kirk: My eyes may not work, but at least I got two of them! :laughs again. Leela sighs. :[''Flashback ends.]'' Fry: Aww. That's terrible, Leela. But imagine the look on their faces when you show up with two friends who eat all the hors d'Oeuvres. Leela: Well, I wouldn't mind rubbing my success in a few choice faces. Bender: Set a course for adventure! :['''Scene': Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Lobby. There are broken, leaking pipes running across the ceiling, the windows are barred up and owls scavenge around the floor. Leela wears a purple suit.]'' Fry: Ew! Bender: What a dump! :sighs. Leela: Just like old times. Gosh! The bars on the windows seemed so much thicker back then. old man approaches her from behind. He is dressed in a grey suit and is wearing a grade 135 badge. He clears his throat and Leela turns around. Mr. Vogel? Remember me? Vogel: Leela! You're worthless and no one will ever love you! :both laugh. Leela: You used to say that all the time! Vogel: Oh, those were happier days. :['''Scene': Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Gymnasium. A "Welcome, Orphans" banner has been strung up across the ceiling and the room has been decorated with balloons and streamers. There is a sign that says "Please Abandon Coats In Lobby" next to the buffet table where Fry and Bender stand.]'' Fry: Mmm! The gristle-in-a-blanket isn't half bad. Bender: And try one of these Popsicle sticks. They've absorbed quite a bit of flavour. Leela: Hey, look. It's our old group picture. :look at a black and white photo of the orphans and a younger Vogel. Fry squints. Fry: I don't see you anywhere. Leela: That's me over in Cootietown. :points at herself, standing apart from the group. Bender points at someone in the back row. Bender: Whoa! Get a load of this average-looking guy! Leela: That's Adlai Atkins. I used to have kind of a crush on him. :[''Flashback. The scene continues from earlier with the kids still chanting.]'' Kids: chanting One-eye! One-eye! French Guy: Stupid as a French guy! Kids: chanting One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye! :chants with the others and Leela looks at him with lovey eyes and sighs. :[''Flashback ends.]'' Leela: Well, it's time to say hello to the old gang. :gulps down her drink, then Bender's and then the water from a vase of flowers. On the other side of the gym, the orphans have turned into bums. Man #1: So, whatcha been up to since you left the orphanarium? Man #2: Uh, living in a box, fighting the shakes. You? Man #1: Selling kidneys, teeth, whatever falls out of me. Leela: And what am I up to, you ask? Why, I'm a very successful space captain. Man #2: Oh. Man #1: Wow. Man #3: How nice for you, Leela. Woman: That's so good for a person with one eye. Leela: Hey! You can't feel sorry for me! I'm a space captain and you're a bunch of losers. Man #1: Uh, right, right. We're the losers! :coughs and a tooth falls out of his mouth. Kirk arrives. Kirk: Well, if it isn't old one-eye! :laughs. Leela: Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane boy! Man #3: He can't hear you. He's deaf now. Adlai: Leave Leela alone. She's leading a perfectly normal life. She's not gussied up, duded out, getting down or where it's at. Now run along. :others leave. Leela: Thanks, Adlai. I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball-- Oddball! Adlai: Nonsense. You're a space captain. That's a fine, conventional profession. Leela: Well, you know, it's just for a package delivery service. Adlai: Ah-ah. A package is just a box until it's delivered. Leela: Huh. I'd never thought of it that way. So what do you do these days? Adlai: Oh, I'm a doctor. Leela: A tall doctor, you say? :brushes her fingers through her hair. At the bar, Bender drinks down one glass while another is being refilled. Vogel stands behind Fry with 12 kids. Vogel: Sir, you seem pretty stable. Have you thought about adopting one of our kids? Fry: Sure haven't. Vogel: Well keep adoption in mind. It's a great way to have a kid without having sex. Fry: thoughtful Really? Vogel: Plus, the government will help out with a small stipend of $100 a week. Bender: $100 a week? :spits out his drink, has it refilled, drinks it and spits it out again. Aldai and Leela look at the group photos. Adlai: I'm so sorry I teased you back then. Let me make it up to you. I can fix it so no one ever makes fun of you again. Leela: You mean by beating them up? Because I've broken that blind kid's nose like 10 times and it doesn't make any difference. Adlai: No, I specialise in phaser eye surgery. I can build you a paraffin eye and graft it on with skin from your foot. It won't be able to see but you'll look like a perfectly normal two-eyed person. Leela: Me? Perfectly normal? :touches her eye and it squelches. Fry eats more of the hors d'Oeuvres and turns around when he hears laughing kids. Bender is with the kids. Bender: Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry. Fry: Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass? Bender: No. It's called "parenting". Come on, dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends to collect. :kids cheer. Boy: Our daddy's a giant toy! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the conference table.]'' Farnsworth: Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea. I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping at her eye all the time. :gapes at her. Amy: I think cosmetic surgery's great, Leela. I used to be too cute, so I had cuteness-reduction surgery here ... points to her cheek. ... and here. :points to her nose. Fry: You guys are crazy. Leela doesn't need surgery. You look great the way you are. Leela: Oh, that's so sweet, Fry. But for once in my life, I just wanna look normal. Fry: But you're better than normal, you're ab''normal. If you ask me, you shouldn't care what other people think. '''Leela': You're right! I'll start by not caring what you think! stands up. I'm getting the surgery. Farnsworth: That a girl! Amy: Right on! Zoidberg: Wonderful. And while you're under the knife, you could also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies. Farnsworth: That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile! :raises a rolled-up newspaper at Zoidberg. Zoidberg sprays ink at his face and runs off, wooping. :['''Scene': Taco Bellevue Hospital. There is a sign outside that says "Normal, Healthy Baby? Super-Size It For 49c!" Inside, the Planet Express staff and Adlai stand around Leela's bed. The entire top half of Leela's head is covered with bandages.]'' Adlai: Now we'll find out if the operation was a success. Hold on to your hats. starts to pull the bandages off. The staff peer at her closer. Adlai pulls off the bandages and reveals a smiling, two-eyed, blonde woman. The staff gasp. Oh, I'm sorry, this is the wrong patient. move to another bed and Adlai pulls off the real Leela's bandages. The others gasp at Leela's new face. The pupil in her left eye falls out. Oops. :scribbles on a new pupil with a marker pen. Amy: Leela, those eyes look so great on you. Fry: Bah! I think she looked fine before. Farnsworth: No. Zoidberg: No. Amy: Uh-uh. Hermes: Wrong. :looks at herself in a mirror. Leela: Wow, look at me. Although I don't have the hang of blinking yet. Adlai: You'll get it. Personally, I try not to blink too much because it seems flashy. But when I do, I enjoy it. :tries again and succeeds. She gasps. Leela: I did it! I blunk! Hermes: And just in time to screw up this picture I took! :shows her a photo of her blinking. Leela: Hooray! :['''Montage': Leela gets accustomed to her new life to Roy Orbison's Pretty Woman. She carries a box marked "Leela's Monocles" through the front door of her apartment building and drops it in the bin. Later, she comes out of the Eye Robot wearing two pairs of sunglasses, a pair of binoculars and carrying a pair of theatre specs. She walks past Mom's sons and winks at them. They stop and bump into each other.]'' Walt: Ow! Igner: Ow! Larry: Ow! :shows Leela how to apply eyeliner. She puts it across her eyes first and watches Leela try. Leela smears it all the way across her brow. Amy shakes her head, licks her finger, and rubs it off in the middle. Leela smiles. On the street, Leela bumps into Kirk. She takes his hand and feels her face with it. He groans with disappointment. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy and Fry sit on the couch.]'' Leela: I've never felt so unremarkable! Today I actually blended in with a crowd! :laughs. Bender walks in with the kids. Bender: Kids, meet the jerkbags I work with. Kids: chanting Hello, jerkbags! Amy: Oh, they're so cute! What are their names? Bender: Kids have names? Nina: My name's Nina, and his name's Albert-- Bender: And from now on, you're all named Bender Jr.! takes a piece of paper out of his chest cabinet. Lookie here! My first government stipend cheque! 12 baby humans, 1200 wing-wangs! :a girl with an ear on her face, tugs Bender's arm. Sally: Daddy Bender, we're hungry. Bender: What is it with you kids? Every other day it's food, food, food! kids look sad. Oh, fine. I'll get you some stupid food. Albert: Can we have Bender burgers again? Bender: No. The cat shelter's on to me! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Hangar. Fry scrubs one of the landing feet and Leela welds something along the side of the ship. Adlai comes in.]'' Adlai: Hello, Leela. I was in a nearby tailor getting one of my Hawai'ian shirts toned down, so I thought I'd drop in for your follow-up exam. Leela: Oh. That's so handsome of you. Adlai: Just follow the light with your eyes. draws the light back and forth in front of her but only the real eye follows it. Perfect! You know, a guy could fall head-over-heels for a gal like you. walks behind him and frowns. As for me, I'm somewhat interested myself. Leela: What are you saying? Adlai: I've never been good with words, which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum. Will you go out with me this Sunday? Leela: Sure! :gasps. Adlai: I don't know what else to say, so I'll just say it. Okey-dokey, see you then. :leaves. Fry: This is so unfair! I liked you back when you were a cyclops! That guy's only interested now that you have two eyes. Leela: You're just jealous! Fry: No, I'm not! Oh, wait, I am. But my point remains valid! Leela: Fry, I just wanna try dating a normal man, who if you go somewhere with him no one says he's crummy. I think I deserve that once in life. :holds her arm. Zoidberg: Be careful with that Adlai, Leela, he's a doctor, they're very poor. Leela: Actually, most doctors are rich. Zoidberg: What? When did this happen? You're joking, right? shakes her. That's not funny! :['''Scene': O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender takes the kids in.]'' Bender: OK, they've got everything you need here: Booze, a couple of peanuts, they got a crapper in the back. That's one of the things you kids do, right? Albert: Yeah. Bender: Then knock yourself out. kids scream and run off, eating things and spinning around on bar stools. Hey! Hey! Only eat and drink enough to barely keep yourselves alive! I'm trying to make a profit here. :sits on a stool and reads a newspaper. Nina: Daddy! Bethany's hitting me! Bender: Here. :hands her a blernsball bat and she runs off with it, laughing. A fembot sits next to Bender. Fembot: These kids yours? Bender: Yeah. Fembot: Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility! Bender: That's me, baby! Let me just ditch the kids in an alley and we can go have some fun. :boy taps Bender. Boy: Daddy Bender? Bender: Son, daddy's trying to score with a cheap floozy right now, so we need you to cram a Tinkertoy in it! Boy: I love you, Daddy Bender! :hugs him. The other kids hug him too. Bender: Hey, what the hell are you doing? Quit hugging me! Fembot: I guess you're busy. I'll catch you later. :leaves. Bender: You morons! I don't know what you're trying to pull but I got half a mind to hug each and every one of you and see how you like it! kids cheer. grumbling Oh, come on! :['''Scene': Adlai's Car. He drives Leela away from the city.]'' Adlai: I thought I'd take you someplace ordinary, a place no one could object to. Leela: That sounds wonderful. :['''Scene': Outside Municipal Arboretum. Adlai opens the gate and lets Leela through. On the fence is a sign that reads "Yes, We Have Looking At Trees".]'' :['''Scene': Municipal Arboretum. A couple stop by an Altairean Bouquet Tree.]'' Man #4: I'd like an extra-beautiful bouquet for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart. :tree hands the man some flowers and he hands them to the woman. They walk away and Leela and Adlai arrive. Adlai: Average, please. :tree hands him a bunch and he hands them to Leela. She smells them. Leela: Oh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared at me or avoided staring at me or tried to burn me. You make me feel so not weird. Adlai: Leela, you're 999,999 in a million! :smiles and they lean in to kiss. Adlai pecks her on the lips and she freezes for a moment then smiles weakly. :['''Scene': Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Adlai and the Planet Express staff sit around a table, though Bender is not with them.]'' Leela: Thanks for coming out to get to know my boyfriend. Isn't he dreamy? Zoidberg: mesmerised Totally. :eats a cracker. Adlai: Uh, listen. I just want you all to know your Leela's one standard lady. Leela: Oh, Adlai, stop! Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does. Zoidberg: Damn right! Fry: And the Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot. blubbers and waves. Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant. Hermes: Tally me banana. Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars. :drops the glass she is drinking from and it smashes. Amy: Sploops! Farnsworth: And, Fry, you've got that brain thing. Fry: I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever? Leela: That's the dumbest question I ever heard! Farnsworth: She's right! Zoidberg: No doubt about it. Amy: Duh! Hermes: Daylight come! :runs through the restaurant carrying a high chair. Bender: Coming through, watch your heads! :wangs Zoidberg on the head as he passes him. Zoidberg: Help! I'm under attack! :sprays the others with ink. Bender sits with the kids at another table. Bender: Remember your manners, kids. Forks go in the left pocket, spoons in the right. :arrives with a plate of food. Elzar: Which one of you cutie muffins gets the children's spicy squab? :comes out of Bender's chest door. Sam: Me! Bender: Ah-ah-ah! What do we say when someone gives you something? :boy turns to Elzar. Sam: 'Bout time! Bender: That's my boy! :closes the door on him. Elzar: And here's your check. Bam! :looks at it and gasps. Albert taps his arm. Albert: I gotta go poopy! Bender: Well you should've gone poopy before it was time to run out on the check! C'mon! Go, go! Through the kitchen! :run. Elzar: shouting You little crooks! If I catch you I'm going to make cutie-muffin gumbo! :run past the other table and Bender laughs as they run through the door. Adlai: You know, seeing that strange robot force 12 children to do his bidding makes me think about kids of our own. Leela: Us? Me? You? Kids? Adlai: That's correct. It's time to stop living this vida bachelor loca, settle down and have kids. Leela: Oh, Adlai, this is the most beautiful moment of my life! :woops and sprays her with ink. :['''Scene': Fry's and Bender's Spare Room. The room has six bunk beds in it. The kids run around screaming and laughing and bouncing on the mattresses. Fry and Bender play poker. Albert jumps on Bender.]'' Albert: Daddy Bender, I want a piggy back ride. Bender: Daddy's tired. Let's just have another dog-pile on Fry. :kids dive on Fry. Sally: Tell us a story, Daddy Bender. Kids: chanting Story! Story! Story! Bender: Alright, fine, gather round. :kids cheer. Nina: We wanna hear this one again! :hands him something and he opens it and clears his throat. Bender: reading "Bender's Arrest Record" by the police. On March 3rd at 2pm, Bender was caught shoplifting. Albert: Yeah, show us the picture! shows them a picture of him with a stolen watch on his arm. The kids laugh. There he is! Bender: OK, kids. It's 9.00, you know what that means. Daddy's sick of looking at you so go to bed. kids groan. The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma. :and Fry leave. :['''Cut to': Fry's and Bender's Lounge. On the door is a newspaper clipping with a photo of Fry on it. The headline reads "Primitive Human Found In Cryo-Tube". Bender slides the door shut.]'' Bender: Now to figure out how much money I'm raking in off those twerps! and Fry sit down at a cable spool that has been turned over to make a table. Bender looks over his accounts and mutters. Oh! I need a calculator. Fry: You are a calculator. Bender: I mean a good calculator. Minus the food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper-- gasps. I'm getting 100 bucks a kid and they're costing me 110! :tuts. Fry: There goes my new kitchen cabinets. Bender: I'm not sitting through one more PTA meeting. The kids have got to go! :opens Bender's door. Sam: Daddy, how do I flush you? Bender: shouting Just go to bed! :boy climbs out and runs off. Bender pushes his antenna down and flushes himself. :['''Scene': Adlai's Lounge. He and Leela sit on a couch doing a jigsaw on a coffee table.]'' Adlai: You know, doing this jigsaw puzzle of a pacifier factory makes me want to have children with you all the more. Leela: Adlai, I was thinking, since we're both orphans, maybe we should adopt a child. Adlai: Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable. Heck, it's more than acceptable, it's adequately satisfactory! :['''Scene': Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Adlai opens Fry's and Bender's door and he and Leela go in. There is a sign above the door that says "Honest Bender's Stolen Car Parts Boutique" and scribbled below it "And Orphanarium".]'' :['''Cut to': Fry's and Bender's Lounge. The kids are up again and running around. Bender is on the phone.]'' Bender: Hello? Imperial Dragon Restaurant? I've got a herd of you-know-whats for sale. Let me check. picks up Albert. Oh, aren't you a cutie? puts him down and picks up the phone. About 35lbs. taps his shoulder. What? :points and Bender panics and hangs up. Leela: Hi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child. :stands up. Bender: Well, you've come to the right place because Honest Bender's Orphanarium means discount orphans. Now, little lady. What do I have to do to send you home with 12 orphans today? Adlai: Uh, I'm afraid we only want one. Bender: Whatever you say, chief. I'll show you what I got in stock. :walks into the kids' room. Leela: I remember this from when we were kids: The warden would trot you out in front of prospective parents and they'd judge you like a piece of meat. :kids are lined up. Albert steps forward. Albert: I'm Albert. Leela: Kind of fatty. :pushes Nina forward. Bender: Then how about this little number? Pure-bred human. No vampire in there. Leela: Uh, um. Adlai: Hmm. Bender: If you're strapped for cash, you might wanna consider this irregular unit. picks up Sally, who is wearing a sash with "As Is" written on her. Cursed with a third ear but so full of that emotion I understand is called "love". Sally: One time, I did a hundred jump ropes. Leela: Oh, I can't decide. We're gonna have to think about it. Bender: OK, kids, grown-ups gotta talk now, time for bed. Albert: But it's 10 in the morning! Bender: I said hit the hay! :kids run. :['''Cut to': Fry's and Bender's Spare Room. The kids get into bed and Bender flicks the light off.]'' Leela: Oh, they're all so adorable. Bender: Yeah. You know, it's times like this I can hardly bear to let them go. Goodnight, you princes of Maine, you kings of New New England. :['''Cut to': Fry's and Bender's Lounge. The police break down the door.]'' Smitty: You're under arrest for child cruelty, child endangerment, depriving children of food, selling children as food and misrepresenting the weight of livestock. :slaps the cuffs on Bender and the other police lead Fry and the kids out. Bender: If you had kids of your own, you'd understand! :['''Scene': Prison Cells. Smitty locks Fry, Bender and the kids in a cell.]'' Leela: Officer, would it be alright if we adopted one of the kids? Smitty: Might as well. They're just gonna rot in the evidence locker. :and URL leave. The kids laugh and point at Sally. Orphan #1: Nice ear! Orphan #2: Hey, freaky ears! Orphan #3: How's you hearing? Leela: I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her. :points at Sally. Adlai: Her? But there's plenty of normal ones. Leela: Come on, Adlai. She could really use a mom and dad. Kids: chanting Ear-face! Ear-face! Sally won the ugly race! Adlai: On the other hand, the children bring up a good point. She does have an ear on her face. Leela: Well? So what? She may be different but she still deserves a good home. Adlai: Oh, alright. If you really want that one, I can give her an operation to make her acceptable. Leela: She doesn't need an operation! She's fine the way she is! Adlai: Oh, and I suppose you were fine the way you were? Leela: Damn right I was! Fry: Yay! Leela: Shut up, Fry. Now look, Adlai. I'm proud to be different. And I just wished I'd realised that when I was her age. Sally: I also have a tail! Leela: Now take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was. Right now! Adlai: Why should I do that? :slams him against the bars. Leela: Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye. :['''Scene': Outside Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. People crowd around the front door as Vogel makes a speech.]'' Vogel: In recognition of Bender's generous gift of 12 orphans and a government cheque for 1200 wing-wangs, I hereby rename this building the Bender B. Rodriguez Orphanarium! :crowd cheers and Vogel shakes Bender's hand. Leela's eye is back to how it was before. Fry: It's good to have the old weird-looking Leela back. :hug. Leela: Aww! You're a true friend, Fry. I guess there's nothing wrong with being a little weird. Fry: Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything. :kids say goodbye to Bender. Albert: We'll miss you, Daddy Bender. Nina: We know robots don't have emotions but we drawed you this picture. :shows him a crude picture of him and the kids. Sally: So if you ever miss us, even just a teeny bit, you can look at it. :takes the picture. Bender: Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane. Sheesh! screws it up and throws it in his chest cabinet. The kids sigh and walk away. checks they're gone and takes the screwed up paper out of his cabinet and sticks it to the inside of his door. He sighs. cheer after seeing his actions, run back and jump on him with hugs. Hey! What the-- Get away! Come on! I just got all the gum off of there! Hey! Hey! shouting I hate you! I hate you all! :Credits. Category:Transcripts Category:Season Three Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts